party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Randomize
