so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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