gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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