I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
