you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
