I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
What drink are we having for lunch?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
