last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
