Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Alive.
So much puke
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
