Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
