This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
