Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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