Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
