Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
