Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
