that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
