once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
