I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize