I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
