the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
