Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You ruined the universe
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
