how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
