thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
