I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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