I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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