On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
