Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize