if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
