Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize