Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
