I bet he comes in French.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
