So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
