On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
