For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
