just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
