i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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