Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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