i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
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