hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
