but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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