You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
