Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
