don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
