i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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