Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
