smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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