my soul wont recognize me after tonight
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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