I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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