How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
