she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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