I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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