I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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