mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
