i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
