just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
