Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
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