Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
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he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?