You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
