she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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