I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
MIDGETS
????
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
