you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
