Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
