the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I supernannyed him into submission
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
